PERFIDY!
A play.

Dramatis Personæ.
1. A latter-day Salieri, who has had the audacity to misappropriate for his own perfidious ends a certain aria from Die Zauberflöte; arranging it for contemporary instruments – an endeavour which has won critical acclaim, I might add, mostly from celebrated Mozartian scholar Larry Weed.

2. A Curator, of the relatively obscure Arnolfini Museum of Early Flemish and Dutch Art in Leyden. He is currently working on a monograph entitled The Mythology of Delftish Cabinetmakers.

3. A Playwright, of singularly inept melodramas, invariably taking for their leitmotif that most omnipresent of social sacraments – Dinner.

Mise en scène.
A squintingly-dim but pleasingly soigné dining room in which most of the lights either do not work, or, as the insensate conjecture goes, are only turned on at closing time to aid the staff in cleaning up. Seating comfortable, flooring pleasing. That scourge of variety and stylistic exuberance – that ‘M’ word – has been allowed to run loose here, punctuated by a few pleasing Art Deco accessories.

ACT THE FIRST.
Enter Salieri II, The Curator and The Playwright. They are shown to one of two tables they have previously reserved.

THE PLAYWRIGHT: Behold the tables – they tremble, and want ballast. Methinks they threaten to swoon too soon. (Standing up, apostrophizing said table) And why dost thy cushioned surface give beneath mine hands? See this desolation atop? Only these napkins – and Zounds! They are unstarched, flimsy, epicene!

The convives are brought the menus, which they peruse with great gusto, as if to prefigure the relishing of the meal to be had hereafter. Enter a Bread Basket.

SALIERI II: Note the egregious solecism – no bread plates. But these bread-sticks are good. I must take note of that – and more of them.

THE CURATOR: I’ve decided. I’ve wanted it for ages – (indicating cured beef)

THE PLAYWRIGHT: Methinks thou dost resolve altogether too incontinently.

THE CURATOR: But we must get on with it. At this rate we shall all starve [here Salieri II affects a violent abdominal spasm] before you even start to describe the appetizers.

THE PLAYWRIGHT: [who is not especially known for brevity] Methinks there is much verity in his words. Henceforth the action shall be condensed and expedited.

ACT THE SECOND.
Waiter returns, orders taken. Time passes, convives chitchat to beguile the tedium of waiting. After a preliminary amusement of the mouth comprising chicken liver mousse and balsamic vinegar, Course The First arrives. Asparagus Bianco for Salieri II, a dish of pizza-toppings for The Curator, and for The Playwright a sublime Carpaccio of beef, a dish of clammy, velvet drapery with ripe, deliquescent girolles of Tête de Moine. Vittore would have been proud.

ACT THE THIRD.
Much masticating, more palaver, further anticipation. Course The Second – fluted fettucine “Senso” with recalcitrant spiny lobster, reminiscent of that mystical dish of legend, Paolo e Judie’s Spaghetti alla Polesina, for The Curator; and a duet of green foods – spinach chittara with fishy unmentionables (deep Sunnydrop) for Salieri II, and risotto gamberi with watercress and spinach (light pandan-chiffoncake) for The Playwright.

Suddenly, a startling instance of ironic intertextuality, artistic contamination, contagious influence – in traipse the cast of Buñuel’s Le Charme Discret de la Bourgeoisie! But The Curator insists, is she not rather Vanessa Redgrave masquerading as Mme. Seneschal? Amicable altercations follow.

ACT THE FOURTH.
Course The Third – Dolci. A hot lemon ricotta cheesecake the size and shape of a distended mooncake, evidently of Japanese inspiration, for Salieri II; a semifreddo almond parfait, tremulous and ethereal, for The Playwright; and a selection of formaggio, presided over by a crudely-carved radish-mouse with a trail of balsamic footprints, for The Curator (who insists it is “a touch of humour”). In detail (but concisely),

GORGONZOLA: “affable” (Salieri), “paint thinner” (Curator)
PARMIGIANO: “excellent” (all)
PECORINO: “excellent” (all)
FONTINA: “turkey” (Playwright), “ham” (Salieri), “bacon” (Curator)
TALEGGIO: “tasteless” (all)
SCAMORZA: “daikon” (Playwright). The Curator: “I see what you mean now”
and a most peculiar variety,
POMMO: Aigre-doux, crunchy, fruity bouquet, “cattivo” (Curator). Strange green rind is quite palatable.